It has been one of those weeks. The kind of week I wish was over and forgotten, never thought about again. The one when I think about my mother. I miss her.
I am not even sure I know what I even miss. It is not like she was a "normal" mother. She loved me of course, but her love was much different then the love we all long for and want. I think I mainly miss the idea of having a mother.
Jesus, I am so weak right now.
I have been avoiding this blog. Too hard to write how I feel because I feel I shouldn't be feeling the way I do. No joy in these circumstances. No love. Just this broken heart that needs to be healed.
Monday, May 31, 2010
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Norah
Ava
Dallas
Reese
husband and wife
Okay Dallas when you hit the ball you need to run to 1st base, 2nd base, and then home.....no mom! I don't want to go home!Reese was outside singing today while she was on the swing. And she says to me. "Mom, the sun is coming out because I am singing....I am wakin it up!" Keep singing girl, keep singing!Dallas: Look mom his doesn't have twin wheels! (translation:training wheels)Dallas: When I am a daddy....I want one of those baby Norahs.So sweet!Reese: Mom I like these things...What things? Reese: These Rat-tat-too-ies Do you mean Tattoos?Reese: Yah! TattoosDallas was holding Norah and this is what he said....Norah pooped. She pooped 3 times....Oooo....she pooped 10 times mom!!Reese was going to the bathroom and when she was done she looked (as all kids do) and said "oooo, look mom. I ate carrots!"Reese has been wanting her ears pierced. She spent that night at Ambers house and asked her if she could do it. Amber told her that it would hurt and after she did one ear she would have to do the second ear. She said "how bout you do the second ear first"We been telling the kids that Norah can't have anything to eat because she is to little. Dallas walks in the hospital and get up to look at Norah and says: "I want to see if she has a mouth"In the morning when the kids wake up they come and crawl in bed with us. I was laying on my side talking with Reese. She looked at me and said "Mom...your boobs are hugging" I just laughed. She then said "they love each other" The thoughts of a 5 ....and just in case you were wondering. I was wearing a tank top ;)Mom....when I am a mom I will have two kids and then we will have lots of kids at our house!!(And what do we have now...I am thinking)Dallas looked at my blog and the picture of the "barefoot and pregnant""mommy that's you!"Boy do I love that kid ;)My room is usually a mess. Of course I have all the "good" excuses as to why :) Well my surprise when I got home from work was a nice clean room with a made bed.When Reese came and got me this morning she said "Mom your room is Amazing!"
the things they say...
Reese: Hey mom look! She walks just fine and doesn't even need a cane! (we were at costco and she said this about an elderly lady...nice!)
About Me
- Amber Red
- I am a wife, mother of 4,a friend, and a child of God....I am addicted to coupons. Hopefully these confessions will help you save money for your family. Blessings
praying for you my sister. I am sorry you are struggling. Love you :)
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate to this post, Amber. Although my dad is still living, I often feel like I don't really have a "dad" anymore. I try not to think about it too often or I get so sad and depressed. I think it's the little things that I miss the most; having just a normal conversation, asking him for advice, or simply watching his joy when he sees his grandkids.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are feeling this way lately and I will say a prayer for you, if you'll say one for me. :)
Praying for you dear friend!
ReplyDeleteFirst up - I don't know you, you don't know me. Although you have shared a private grief on the interweb I still feel a little like I have ventured somewhere that is very very private. You are very brave to share this on your blog. I read your post in a week when I have been revisiting old photos, scanning them for my own blog and sharing them there. My dad passed away last year (he was 82) and I lost my mother 27 years ago. I miss her terribly still, so of course, your post resonated with me. I'm reconciled to the idea that I will never get over losing her (she was my buddy) and that my parents are together at last. It IS hard but that love and connection that you had was strong as mine was. I'm sure it will sustain you too. I will leave you with a favourite quote from the Princess Bride - Life is pain, anyone who says different is selling you something.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Wozza...I don't know you, you don't know me. However, I do know something of the pain of losing your mother. Mine passed away in January of this year.
ReplyDeleteDo you ever watch Grey's Anatomy? When Christina talks to a little girl whose mother just died, she says this: "If your mom dies, you'll feel a lot of things. First, you'll feel like, uh, you coulda done more to help her, but it's not true. You did everything you could. It won't feel that way, but remember me telling you this. You did everything you could. And it'll hurt. Everyt ime you think of her. But over time, it'll hurt less and less. An eventually, you'll remember and it'll only hurt a little. "
It has been over 8 months, and I am still waiting for it to hurt only a little.
If I can help you in any way, please reach out.
ahhh broken hearts tak etime to heal.. best of luck!
ReplyDeleteahh, we all have places for dear ones, be brave be ok soon !
ReplyDeleteDear Sister in Christ,
ReplyDeleteI think I know how you feel. I too lost my mother who died after almost half of her life in terminal illness. My grandmothers too. I have one sister who is very disturbed from drug use and alcoholism (even though she hasn't touched drugs in decades now), and I feel like I am always looking for some woman to fill those voids. I am always disappointed. No one can fill their shoes, that is, in that capacity, but beyond human capacity is Our Blessed Mother. She can more than fill it. I have also been married for 30 years and have 2 children. My husband is a seasoned alcoholic, past drug user, borderline atheist, adulterer and barely a father to our children. He declares he wants to be their friend not their father. I have decided that even though God has told me to stay here because there is no one else who can do my job here, that I will lean on Jesus as my spouse for all my needs, and now Mary as my mother. I find they are always there for me and protect and direct me always. Please rely on Mary and Jesus. It solves all problems. Peace & Blessings, A.M.