organizing

I have been doing a whole lot of this lately. Trying to organize the mess I have. I started this post with the intention of telling you how I was going to change my coupon method. But the more I think about it I have been trying to organize the mess in my life. I have been really trying to make sense of it all. Why did I have the up bringing that I did? How the stuff that happened as a kid effects me now and my relationships with others. I think of how I would probably be more likable if I was brought up in a loving home and trained well. The wounds from this when I allow myself to think about them seem to much to bear. But I do know this,

¹⁹ Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
who daily bears our burdens.
Selah

²⁰ Our God is a God who saves;
from the Sovereign LORD comes escape from death.

²¹ Surely God will crush the heads of his enemies,
the hairy crowns of those who go on in their sins.

When I get into the word I almost feel silly for writing the things I do. I mean we have an amazing and awesome God! Because of Him I can escape Death. I have so much more to learn, but I am starting.....starting to turn my hurt into praise. These last 2 years have been really tough and they may even get tougher but I know that God is very real. I am learning that He is the giver and taker of all things. That He does all things so that we may draw near to Him. Boy is this a tough one for me. I grew up with having to do all things for myself and not relying on anyone. It is hard and terrifying to be in a place were (going to get really honest here) I am completely dependent on Him alone. I have been a Christian for 8 years or so and I don't think I have lived that way at all. I also know that I am a person that looks to the future and when it doesn't seem to bright and shinny I start to question God and wonder what he is doing. This verse has been coming to life for me,
Matt 6
³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
I am going to try and not fret over what could happen. Because I really don't know. My prayer is that I will focus more on the greatness of God and the good things he has done. Which includes these trials of many kinds.

And on a lighter not....changing my coupon method makes this a lot easier!

My Grace is Sufficient for you

When I was growing up I have to say I didn't give much care to what people thought of me. I don't think it was confidence I think it was mainly a coping mechanism. Growing up my parents weren't around much so if I did let someone "in" I was going to use much caution. Whats changed since then?? I care what everyone thinks! I am not really sure as to why either. I mean of course if you hurt someone you want to seek forgiveness or be kind to others. But for me it is more than that.
I have been having a hard time these last few weeks. And as I am laying there sometimes with tears I hear the Lord saying to me "My grace is Sufficient for you" Do I believe this?? You bet! I have been forgiven, redeemed, given new life in Jesus Christ and the list could go on. And Praise God for that. I am not really sure what I am getting at here or what I am really trying to say. I have just been struggling with the fact that people aren't as forgiving and the world will not always see you as changed even if you are not even close to who you are before. But I know and see that Jesus has changed people more than anyone could have ever imagined. I have experienced the weight of sin and shame being removed. And I am so far from perfect, but I am thankful that I have the Lord and His word to show me my imperfections.

Psalm 130

Out of the depths I cry to you O Lord!

O Lord, hear my voice!

Let your ears be attentive

to the voice of my pleas for mercy!

If you O Lord, should mark iniquities,

O Lord, who could stand?

But with you there is forgiveness,

that you may be feared.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,

and in his word I hope;

my soul waits for the Lord

more than watchmen for the morning

more than watchmen for the morning

O Israel, hope in the Lord!

For with the Lord there is steadfast love,

and with him is plentiful redemption.

And he will redeem Israel

from all his iniquities.

MoOdS

today is one of those days i want to curl up in bed and have NO responsibility. I always feel guilty for feeling like this for a couple of reasons. I don't really have a bad life, i just don't like some of the circumstances in it. But that is life. And the other is Collin is off working and it is not like he can do that. I also have felt like something needs to change. I am not exactly sure what it should be, but know that something needs to be done. I could probably start with my attitude. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but the weather really changes mine. Lately all I can think of is moving. I used to just want to go on a trip to Mexico and thought that would be enough ;) Yesterday I took the kids down to the beach and watched them play in the sand and throw rocks in the Ocean. I think I could do that everyday, but this is nearly impossible with our weather. So much had changed in our lives over the last few years that I could actually feel okay about doing so. I feel that we both trust and love the Lord that we would be able to find a church, the Internet makes it easy to feel connected with people and loved ones. Don't miss understand me that leaving would be tough for sure, but I used to think of it as impossible. I am not really sure what the Lord has in store, but I'm excited to continue with whatever plan He has for us.